God Winks - Exodus 14:14

 SN: I had a random thought recently that I'd like to write a book or support young people with navigating life's obstacles with a Christian perspective. I am not sure what this book would be specifically about, or when it would go into publication (hardeeharhar) but who knows... maybe one day I can compile my nuggets of wisdom and share them with other believers. 

Something that I dislike about friendships in general, is that we do not always reveal what we are REALLY struggling with. We have fun, we travel and laugh together. We share tiktok videos and memes. But how often do we really share are heart. Our struggles. Our confusions?

I am in that season right now and I feel so alone. I am dating in a committed relationship. We are preparing for marriage. And my thoughts have me feeling batshit crazy half the time. Yet I do not feel like I have anyone to turn to. The majority of my friends are single; and the few that are married are not necessarily believers OR talking about their struggles.

So I feel like I have no one to turn to. 

Anyways, I have been walking exasperated since April. I am dating a guy who is the man I prayed for and our first six or seven months of the relationship were a dream. Then once we hit seven months (April), it was like my mind went under seige! 

I have struggled in the past three months with extreme fear and anxiety. All of my past hurts and insecurities have leaked out of my pores like an flooded bathroom drain. I have been suffering in silence. 

My thoughts have been hellatious. I've been angry. I've been scared. I've overthought. I've overanalyzed. I've replayed insecurities and predicted scenarios that never happened. I am realizing many of my fears and anxieties and insceruities stem from my past serious relationships. Hurts and traumas that I never dealt with; but rather drank away, tarot carded away or pounded the pavement with working out and longdistancing running. I met new friends and started a new job; even started going back to church and participating in bible studies.

Yet these traumas and hurts have seeped into my present day reality. And some days, I've been stuck. Reoccuring thoughts. Haunting me throughout the day. As ridiculous as it sounds, I am grateful the thoughts have changed nature throughout the months. Insert: the horror of the same thought on repeat for three months. Shudder.

But I am tired. I am worn out. I honestly feel crazy most days. And I feel like I have no one to really talk to about it. 

I am going to therapy. And I guess maybe that helps or will help. But I am almost afraid to really let all of these hurts out, because I dont know what will come out of my mouth or what gutteral cries will come from my soul. I always try to hold it all together. I always want to be seen as perfect. My facade is crumbling.

But let's insert a God wink. A reminder that I am not alone in this storm.

Last night I sobbed on the way home from my parent's house. I was angry. Angry at myself for being so naive. Angry that I let Mike emotionally abuse me for five years. Angry that I let Sean use me and manipulate me. Angry that I did not love myself more to walk away from either guy when it was time to walk. Angry at the hurt those relationships have caused. The trauma on my present day circumstances. Angry that I am so insecure; and that I see past behaviors of myself playing out in my current relationship. I am so angry. And so tired. And so disappointed in me. I am so frustrated that my mind has been hijacked by Satan. So frustrated that on some days, I allow him to occupy my thoughts with lies. So frustrated that God hasnt lifted me out of this. But also so tired as I admit and confess that I am exactly where I need to be. I have to walk through this valley. My future self - my future marriage - my future kids depend on me sitting in the valley right now. On me doing this self-work. It's hard. It's uncomfortable. I wanna quit sometimes. But I cried out to God expressing all of these frustrations and upsets and disappointments, while also praising him for loving me enough to let me go through this storm. Because in this storm I am being sharpened, and chiseled and shaped into the woman I know he's called me to be. In this storm I am finally beginning to deal with all of the hurts and traumas I allowed to lay represed for so long. And I would rather go through this now then not at all. Because I know this crushing... this pruning... this pressing is linked to my destiny. If I can pass this test, I know the blessing on the other side of the valley is going to blow my mind. Bc I know if I don't wrestle well with this, it will come up again and again ... in each next season of my life. and because I know that this all relates to my word for the year - surrender. That in this storm I am learning and/or being forced to let go of control. I cannot control a significant part of this. So I have no other choice than to let go and trust God through this storm; knowing his plans for my life are great! And he's going to use this season for his good.

I let it all out in my car. And then I entered my house and continued my evening. I noticed at one point, a friend had saved a youversion bible verse - Exodus 14:14. And I briefly looked at it but didnt think anything of it. I went to sleep. I think I talked to God as I drifted off; and then talked to Him some more in the morning. 

And I woke up refreshed. At peace. And opened my youversion bible app to do a devotional: Breaking the Fear Cycle. Day One was about Facing Your Greatest Fear. The devo noted that God does not promise us a pain free existence. But that day by day he will reveal his battle plan over my fears. The scripture associated with the devo was Exodus 14:14. I read it in quickly in bed; and then thought no more of it.

Until around noon I opened up twitter. And what's the first thing I see in the feed? Exodus 14:14. 

I dont know about yall, but I know it's God communicating with me when he tells me something in three's. It doesnt happen frequently, but often when I reaaaalllyyyyy need to hear from him, that's how he does it. He will tell me three times and in three different ways. And on that third time, I heard him. I recalled the verse I had read this AM; and then I remembered the verse I'd seen Andy save last night. And I was instantly comforted.

Exodus 14:14 -- The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

As I google searched to see if there are any deeper explanations of what this verse means... I stumbled across this: 

I really try to feel Israel’s plight, but I can’t imagine how it felt. The terror. The fear. Completely shut in and stuck. Moses tells Israel they do have to do something. They do have a job. To get through this they need to obey. And the command they need to obey? Be quiet and watch God work. Have true faith in the One who brought them out of slavery.

I don’t know what you’re facing today, but what would it look like to stop and trust in your Creator? He didn’t get you this far to leave you out to dry. God goes before you and after you. He will fight for you.

My favorite part about this story is that after God opens up the Red Sea, Israel is commanded to walk. Sometimes being silent and trusting God looks like putting one foot in front of the other while towers of water are on your left and your right. But He is good, and He can be trusted.

Lord, I pray for the situation today of each person reading this. I pray You would give them the same hope and strength and reminder of Your promises as You did to your people next to the Red Sea. That You would calm their heart and still their soul with Your truth and with Your voice. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.